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| Lauren, Olivia, Kaylee, Me, Julia and Madison |
Jorrow: [jawr-oh] (n.) A combination of both joy and sorrow experienced simultaneously.
I just made up the above word and definition because it is really the only word that I can use to describe how I have been feeling lately. This afternoon I came home from Camp Eagle and I really do wish that I could say that it was the most exciting and joyful week of my life, but in all honestly it was a week full of Jorrow.
The week before camp I was praying and I felt that the Lord was telling me that Bethany, who is going to be taking over the middle school ministry next week when I leave, should be with the middle schoolers for camp. As soon as I felt the Lord say that, I selfishly pushed it to the back of my mind. I was confused... all that I had left with these middle schoolers, that I have been sharing my life with over the last two years, was this one week. How in the world could God ask me to sacrifice that? I told Him that if He really wanted me to step down from leadership with them at camp then He would have to tell someone else and have them bring it up. Fast forward a few hours and that night one of our parent volunteers, April, told us that she kept feeling like Bethany should be with the middle schoolers at camp. Right in that moment my heart sank... I felt like I was going to fall apart, throw up, go crazy all at the same time, but I knew deep in my heart and soul that this was the right thing and this is what would be best for our middle school girls in the midst of this transition. It was not fair to think only of myself in this. As much as I wanted to selfishly continue bonding with these girls I love so dearly I knew that in order to guard hearts and make everything easier for them it was best for them to begin trusting and bonding with Bethany before I leave.
I am not going to lie, it was extremely difficult for me to be at camp and away from them, but it was such a blessing to watch as Bethany and one of our wonderful high school student leaders, Victoria, stepped up to the plate and loved and cared for the girls just as much as if not better than I do. I realized that God is completely in control and I have to keep reminding myself that it is NOT all about me!! It is continually about HIM and who HE CHOOSES to use!!
Throughout this entire week I found myself with a lump in my throat as I constantly choked back tears. I remembered the dreams that I had when I first came to Fort Hood: To develop meaningful friendships with middle schoolers, To develop a separate middle school ministry where students felt safe and could be themselves, To learn more about being obedient to the Lord, To have my faith refined, To become more confident in who God has called me to be, To step out in faith and take risks with kids and in ministry... Yesterday while at camp I looked around and as I watched the 17 middle school boys and 10 middle school girls running around constantly "secretly flirting" with one another I realized God DID IT!! All of those things I longed for when I got here have come to fruition... not because of anything I have done... if anything they have been accomplished despite my unfaithfulness and the ways that I constantly fall short, But it is in those weaknesses that He is Strong and it is despite those things that He chooses to Glorify Himself!! I am so extremely humbled as I see the way that God even this week worked in the lives of these middle schoolers.
